


The Unholy Union of a Wild Herd of Deer Drunk on Coffee and Sleep Deprivation

by AvianSolaris, Ravenmist4



Series: Garreg Mach University Moments [2]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Chaos, Gen, Golden Deer, M/M, McDonald's, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:14:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28086024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvianSolaris/pseuds/AvianSolaris, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravenmist4/pseuds/Ravenmist4
Summary: The Golden Deer students of Garreg Mach University are each struggling to survive their dormmates; whether that's Claude's privacy-invading albino lizard, in-depth debates about the moral compass of McDonald's, or simply Lorenz being himself-- they're all just trying to get through the day at Fodlan's most prestigious university... and maybe have some fun while they're at it?
Relationships: Lorenz Hellman Gloucester/Claude von Riegan
Series: Garreg Mach University Moments [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2056863
Kudos: 21





	1. Spiders in my Hamburgers

_Monday, August 17_

**Golden Deer Groupchat**

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Claude, could you tell Raphael to stop yelling? I can hear him through the _walls_!

**Claude Riegan:** Why? His reasons for yelling were perfectly valid.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** And what were these so-called reasons?

**Claude Riegan:** Well you see..

There was a spider

And he was doing me the courtesy of removing it

But...

It dropped on his head.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** W— what?!

You got rid of it though, correct?

**Claude Riegan:** Ah- that’s a work in progress.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** …

**Claude Riegan:** We are currently trying to figure out how to extract it from his head

Without it jumping on us.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Nevermind. He has permission to yell. For now.

**Claude Riegan:** You wanna help us?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** No!

**Claude Riegan:** Thought so~

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Shut up and get rid of the spider before it crawls into our dorms! Marianne would want to keep it as a pet, knowing her.

**Claude Riegan:** Maybe we should ask her for help....

**Lysithea Ordelia:** You think her baby-talking a spider will help?

**Claude Riegan:** It’s worth a shot

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Might as well prepare for a nest of spiders on Raphael’s head forevermore.

**Claude Riegan:** I’ll know where to go if I need spiders!

I mean.. not that I would...

Need them for anything.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** That’s.. unnerving. Thanks.

**Claude Riegan:** No problem!

**Claude Riegan:** Yo model man!

Lorenz!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Ugh.

Whatever do you need, Claude?

**Claude Riegan:** I saw you at McDonalds the other day

What did you order?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Just what are you up to? I would not be caught dead in such a poor excuse for a restaurant.

**Claude Riegan:** I didn’t know you had a better looking twin!

What a coincidence!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Just what exactly did you see?

**Claude Riegan:** Lavender hair, same snooty expression, yelling at some poor employee

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I do not think you grasp the significance of a plain work ethic and proper ordering.

**Claude Riegan:** “Plain work ethic and proper ordering”

So you were there then?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Is this another miserable attempt at a scheme? I can practically hear your annoying voice over this group chat.

If one is to order no onions, then they must be given no onions.

Regardless, I was not there.

**Claude Riegan:** Not everyone can be as “flawless” as you. And who even orders without the onions?

It sounds like you were, in fact, there

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** It goes without saying that failing to give a customer's perfect hamburger makes you incompetent for any type of work in retail.

**Claude Riegan:** Impressive, your self delusion must be even greater than your ego

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** It is only simple logic, if I was given the forsaken role of Manager my employees would be reprimanded severely for such mistakes. Such incompetence reflects poorly on the entire business.

**Claude Riegan:** Perhaps.. or perhaps the lunch rush becomes so overwhelming that a detail is forgotten here and there and thus- leads to mistakes.

But you wouldn’t know anything about imperfection, would you?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** What the fuck are you two going on about now?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Claude is trying to justify McDonald's lousy attempts at customer service.

**Claude Riegan:** I merely asked what he ordered from McDonalds ^~^

**Lysithea Ordelia:**...and what is so important about McDonald’s?

Aside from their delectable McFlurries, of course.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Such small details can turn into quite trivial ones if you're so arrogant. What if one was allergic to tomatoes and was given tomatoes?

Working well under pressure should be a quality all employees should strive for, as business is not something that can be taken lightly.

**Claude Riegan:** I imagine if their allergy was severe enough, they’d have the foresight to check.. and if a mistake is made- the employees never have a problem rectifying it.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Oh? So are you suggesting that customers shouldn't be faithful in their orders so much so that they must lift off the bun and take a peek?

**Claude Riegan:** From McDonalds? I personally always check.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** No wonder.

I invest in quality, a product that I can faithfully support unconditionally.

If I must question the product, it is not worthy of my time.

**Claude Riegan:** Sheesh, a real diva

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** It's not like I expected someone like you to understand, Claude.

**Claude Riegan:** And I wouldn’t expect someone like you to understand minimum wage employees.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Perhaps if they truly understood the importance of their duties the ones who work the hardest would actually be paid reasonably.

**Claude Riegan:** Are you saying you work harder than they do?

And deserve more? For your job where you stand and make sure your nail polish doesn’t get chipped?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** You! Such arrogance.

It's hard to believe I must explain such concepts to a Riegan heir.

You disgust me immensely, not only that but disrespect the name your parents have worked their hardest to build.

**Claude Riegan:** And you are so caught up in your ideals and visions of grandeur that you step on those smaller than you!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I have no reason to explain the amount of work that everyone must put in.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Lorenz, Claude— Can you both just shut up? You’re literally at each other’s throats over McDonalds

**Claude Riegan:** It’s not about that, Lys.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I’m hoping it won’t escalate any further past that.

**Claude Riegan:** Mayo Prince over there just thinks everyone beneath him should be gifting him diamonds.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** "Mayo Prince"?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I’m so sick of your cat fights

**Claude Riegan:** Isn’t that the source of your income~?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I agree with you, Lysithea. In fact, you better make sure you don't cross paths with me until you realize how wrong you are.

I am done with you, I have other matters to attend to.

And if we are to meet, you better have a well-written apology that you're willing to give to me.

**Claude Riegan:** He wants me to write him an apology?!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Ugh.

I don’t agree with Lorenz’s viewpoint, but did you really have to bring up McDonalds, Claude?!

**Claude Riegan:** Whaat? I was curious to know if he ever had food from there so I ventured a guess

**Lysithea Ordelia:** You were blatantly lying! It’s like you’re trying to pick a fight with him

**Claude Riegan:** That wasn’t my intention but most conversations seem to lead to that…

* * *

_End of Day (Monday)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a transcription of the Golden Deer Groupchat in the Garreg Mach University discord server!
> 
> If you'd like to join and come participate in our antics, here's the link!  
> https://disboard.org/server/699085818278576168


	2. The Candy Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following one of the biggest disasters (The Denny's Incident) that we don't speak about, Claude and Lorenz bond, Claude and Lorenz fight, and most importantly, Claude flashes Lysithea because she suffers from listening impairment and excessive candy addiction.

_Wednesday, August 19_

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Huh.

I wasn't expecting Claude to be true to his word.

**Claude Riegan:** Wait- what's this about?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I wasn't talking to you specifically, Claude.

....Did you write that apology?

**Claude Riegan:** No, nor did I plan to.

I would like to know what you're referring to

_End of Day Wednesday_

* * *

_Thursday, August 20_

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Ugh. Must I really do all the work?

I cannot keep an eye on you if you refuse to talk to me over something as trivial as.. commoner's food. As my duty as an Upper-class citizen I must apologize on my behalf for my gripes.

As such, I would like nothing more than prove you wrong and wipe that smug look off your face by proving my point and letting this trifle come to a logical conclusion.

**Claude Riegan:** That’s- surprising..

I suppose you have some plan for- how you intend to do that?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I'll be taking up your offer and putting my tastebuds at risk by ordering something intricate and judging it based on its quality alongside its accuracy. I had originally intended on gathering the public's opinion, but it seemed that even Edelgard and Lysithea have been deceived.

Without a single shadow of a doubt, I intend to prove my allegations about your lousy food chain.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Deceived?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** There's no other word for it, I see how you eye their "pastries".

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Because they're good, dickwad. My taste in sweets is incredibly refined, thank you very much!

Just because the desserts aren't ridiculously overpriced doesn't mean they're poor quality.

_End of Day, Thursday_

* * *

_Friday, August 21_

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Claude. I am behind the Denny's waiting for you.

Well, to be more specific- the front.

I suppose it is the behind of the parking lot if we are talking specifics?

I.. have followed your order of not interfering. But I came merely to..

Ugh. For no reason at all.

If you are done with your.. silly attempts I shall walk you home.

.. I am sorry for running my mouth and getting you involved. Though I must simply ask that we must talk this over in private whenever you have the time.

**Claude Riegan:** Walk me home huh? What a gentleman~

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:**.. I am not in the mood.

**Claude Riegan:** I’ll take you up on that.

Thank you.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I should be thanking you.. consider it repayment for dragging you out there.

But do not use this as blackmail material, I shall easily take my appreciation back.

**Claude Riegan:** It’s very tempting though, I’m not making any promises~

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I found it highly unnecessary, immature, impulsive,

Unwanted, intolerable,

.. But, appreciated.

**Claude Riegan:** What’s more impulsive is throwing yourself into a situation where you’ll end up dead. No one else was qualified to handle it.

I don’t think Dimitri would hurt me.. even as upset as he was.. either way.. I don’t think he wants to rip your head off right now.. and he’s got his friends to get him back on track.. so- now is the time to make up for whatever it was you did.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I truly meant no offense, Claude- If you are doubting me.

**Claude Riegan:** Yeah, I can believe that. I don’t think you’re the kind of person who would use something like that against someone else..

Ah- unless it was me of course. But I’m not gonna rip your head off for a dirty comment.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:**... I don't know how per se to respond to that.

I suppose I must put something together or other, perhaps a gift? Would tea be appreciated?

**Claude Riegan:** For Dimitri and Felix? I don’t think they’ll be very receptive to that.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Suppose you're right, though I always believed that Dimitri would enjoy chamomile..

**Claude Riegan:** You’re certainly free to try. You’d be the expert on that sort of thing.. but- what was it you said that got them so riled up?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I am not accustomed to party games, though I hate to make any type of an excuse for my behaviour. There was a question where we were to submit a potential name for a perfume line Felix would release.

**Claude Riegan:** And you said something along the lines of Glenn…

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** The overall goal of the game is to get people to be receptive to your answer. I added a comment saying that Glenn would give his approval.

Correct.

I apologized, but by the time I realized how harmful that may be they were already out for my head.

Truly, this could've been settled more effectively if I had showed up rather than you in my stead.

**Claude Riegan:** That’s not- such a bad thing.. but they’re both very sensitive in that regard.. and- as you can see.. it’s best to stay clear of that topic.

More effectively..? Like- getting turned into a bloody pulp?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I understand now, and I shan't not bring it up again.

...

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** As the son of Gloucester, it is extremely disrespectful for others to sort through my own problems- such is the trait of a coward who lets others take the consequences for their actions.

**Claude Riegan:** That’s not what happened.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** If I was truly the only one who showed up, would half the school feel the need to arrive at the Denny's parking lot?

Why must you feel the need to resolve my conflict? Why must you take the role of solving my slip?

**Claude Riegan:** You still have to accept responsibility for the damage you caused and make amends.. but- I couldn’t let you walk into a fight like that. It’s foolish..

I haven’t resolved it.. I diffused it.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** If they felt the only way to relieve their pain was to face me head on, then I shall not turn down that type of invitation.

**Claude Riegan:** That’s how they felt in that moment because they were upset!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Lysithea.. She was unable to pursue her studies tonight because she was tasked to hold me up in my room. This is all my fault, yet you all refuse to let me take this into my own hands.

**Claude Riegan:** If you’d let Dimitri and Felix kill you then they’d be upset with themselves and guilty.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Do you truly believe I was walking there to be killed, Claude?

**Claude Riegan:** For starters.. Lysithea studies far too much so one night wouldn’t hurt her. And if you’d listened and stayed behind like I first asked, I wouldn’t have had to trouble her with it.

I…

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** You know why I couldn't do that.

**Claude Riegan:** Potentially.

Anger leads to accidental death in far too many cases.

You can’t take that risk.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** As much as you may believe, Claude, I am not a delicate flower from a pure life of luxury. I can handle a few beatings, if I must. I am insulted that you think I could have not been able to handle these matters into my own hands.

Those who live in luxury are there because they've gained their privileges.

**Claude Riegan:** You’ve seen the news right?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** What ever could you be referring to?

**Claude Riegan:** The many, many cases of death that come from accidents. Anger.. domestic violence.. any number of things... I believe you can take a beating and.. admittedly I have days where I’d like to deliver myself...

However.. and I cannot stress this enough.. this wasn’t something worth risking your life over.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** And nearly breaking down the door was a bit of an overreaction, too!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Your concern is.. unwanted, yet your insight I shall take into account.

.. I did no such thing!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I had put the chair behind the door for a reason!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** There was a chair?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** What did you THINK you shoved over?! I was sitting in it, too!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I thought you were just pushing up against it!

**Claude Riegan:**... I severely underestimated your capabilities…

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:**.. My apologies.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Whatever.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I'm sure Claude will be willing to part with one of his snacks from his secret food stash. You can consider it a gift from me.

**Claude Riegan:** You...!

I’m handing you over to Dimitri!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I believe I know for sure that your threats are empty-handed ones, Claude. Given what you told me earlier.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Well, mine aren't! I'll hand you over myself!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Regardless, did you not say you employed Lysithea? Are you implying she should not be paid for her efforts?

**Claude Riegan:** I was intending to.. but not from the secret stash that no one is supposed to know about

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Was I not supposed to?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Wait-- you actually have one of those!?

**Claude Riegan:** Don’t you?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** You hid candy from me? How _dare_ you!

**Claude Riegan:** Gah!

Look what you’ve done, Lorenz!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** What a lady has in her room is none of your business, too!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Looks like a slip of the tongue.

This is what you call noble comedy.

Perhaps you should invest in a more discrete hiding spot.

**Claude Riegan:**...I’ll find you suitable payment tomorrow, Lys. All this trouble has me exhausted

And so help... if you’ve been stealing from my stash…

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Do you really think I'd touch any of those "Fuzzy Peaches"?

**Claude Riegan:** All my goodwill will vanish, Lorenz!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Fine. I expect payment promptly tomorrow morning.

He has fuzzy peaches!?

**Claude Riegan:** I-

**Lysithea Ordelia:** That's it--

**Claude Riegan:** He DID eat them!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I DID NO SUCH THING!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I'm coming over.

**Claude Riegan:** There’s a bunch missing!

Lys _no!_

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I fail to understand how you would infect yourselves with such sugary, bland "snacks".

**Claude Riegan:** You can’t!

I’m uh-

Changing

Sleeping in my underwear

It’s not safe.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** …

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Oh, screw off. I'm going to get that candy no matter what you say.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** LYSITHEA NO-

It's not safe!

**Claude Riegan:** lYSITHEA IM INDECENT

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** DO NOT TAINT YOUR EYES!

Ugh, fine! I'm coming over to stop you from getting to the door!

**Claude Riegan:** Taint

**Lysithea Ordelia:** He's a terrible liar! You can tell he's simply trying to hide my rightful pay from me.

**Claude Riegan:** As if I’m not the most glorious form you ever saw

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Do not take the risk!

**Claude Riegan:** I already promised to pay you!

Tomorrow!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Even if he IS naked; he can just PUT SOME CLOTHES ON BEFORE I GET THERE??

**Claude Riegan** : But I won’t

To protect my stash

**Lysithea Ordelia** : Ew.

**Claude Riegan** : Exactly

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** DO YOU REALLY EXPECT CLAUDE OF ALL PEOPLE TO NOT PARADE AROUND HIS ROOM NAKED?

Who knows what other horrors lie behind the door..

**Claude Riegan:** lORENZ ARE YOU EATING MY FUZZY PEACHES RIGHT NOW?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT I AM TRYING TO STOP LYSITHEA.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I DON'T LIKE TO THINK ABOUT CLAUDE NAKED

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** NEITHER DO I!

**Claude Riegan:** I hear a crinkle

**Lysithea Ordelia:** but I am GOING to GET MY CANDY

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** LYSITHEA NO!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** LYSITHEA YES

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** DO NOT GO IN THE WILD BEAST'S DEN!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** but he has snacks!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** He has no SHIRT or PANTS to cover his UNMENTIONABLES!

**Claude Riegan:** He’s right

Nor a blanket to hide behind

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Is a piece of tooth-rotting waste worth-

CLAUDE I DEMAND THAT YOU COVER YOURSELF! WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF RAPHAEL WALKED IN?!

**Claude Riegan:** He’d probably fall madly in love over my beauty

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I cannot believe our representative is an exhibitionist.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Just give me the candy and I'll get out!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** You have until the count of three, Claude.

**Claude Riegan:** Wait did she get in here?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** ..

**Claude Riegan:** One

Two

THREE!

What happens now?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** LYSITHEA PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU ACTUALLY-

**Lysithea Ordelia:** AH!

WHAT THE FUCK CLAUDE

**Claude Riegan:** You were warned!!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I wanted CANDY not whatever.. this is !!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** ARE THOSE "FUZZY PEACHES" WORTH IT NOW, LYSITHEA?!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I DIDN

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I told you exactly why Claude is a scoundrel who should not be trusted!

**Claude Riegan:** I told you twice I’d give you payment tomorrow

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I DIDN'T WANT THESE KINDS OF FUZZY PEACHES

**Claude Riegan:** Ah-

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:**.... WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** You're just stubborn!

**Claude Riegan:**.....

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** WHAT EVER ARE YOU REFERRING TO?

CLAUDE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO LYSITHEA?!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** If you just gave me the candy, I would've been back in my dorm by now!

**Claude Riegan:** Fine! Here!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** about time!

**Claude Riegan:** This is less than I was planning to give you

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Dear Sothis, please take me now.

**Claude Riegan:** So your impatience has cost you

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I'll make sure to kill you tomorrow

**Claude Riegan:** It’s a deal

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Claude wear some pajamas next time. Something that's at least satin! Or maybe flannel!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Just wait until Leonie hears you'd rather flash me than give me your candy!

**Claude Riegan:** I don’t wear pjs, you know this

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** WHAT EVER ARE YOU IMPLYING?

**Claude Riegan:** Oh Lorenz, you know

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** HOW WOULD I "KNOW THIS", RIEGAN?

**Claude Riegan:** The late nights

Just you and I.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** THERE ARE NO SUCH TIMES!

**Claude Riegan:** SITTING ON THE COUCH

**Lysithea Ordelia:** WHAT?!

**Claude Riegan:** IN OUR “PJS”

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I KNOW NOTHING, I REFUSE TO PARTAKE IN ANY SORT OF ACTIVITY THAT REVOLVES YOU BEING EVEN REMOTELY INDECENT!

**Claude Riegan:** It’s all true Lysithea

He’s denying it

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I'm going back to my dorm now, goodnight!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** LYSITHEA DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HIM!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Bye! Fuck you both!

**Claude Riegan:** Because he’s scared to admit how deeply he desires me!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** THERE IS NOT A SINGLE INCH OF ME THAT "DESIRES" YOU, CLAUDE!

Lysithea, I am bringing a pillow and I shall be sleeping in your room tonight, I have experienced by far the worst day of my life.

At this point, I am willing to try those peaches.

**Claude Riegan:** Which ones?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** First of all, no. SECOND of all, I didn't offer you any!

CLAUDE!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** UGH.

**Claude Riegan:** WHAT

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I WILL NOT ENGAGE IN ANY OF THE SORT!

**Claude Riegan:** I told Dimitri I’d punish him and this is working wonderfully

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** PUT ON A PAIR OF TROUSERS.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Why are you punishing me with him!?

I'm only involved in this because you're both nuts!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** CLAUDE GET OUT! THIS IS INVASION OF MY PERSONAL PRIVACY AND CONTAMINATION OF THE SUITABLE SCHOOL ENVIRONMENT!

**Claude Riegan:** I haven’t left enough contamination yet

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT GOING NEAR MY EXPENSIVE TEA LEAF COLLECTION! THOSE REQUIRE NO DISRUPTIONS!

**Claude Riegan:** You mean don’t touch these?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** STOP IT! DON'T MAKE ME COME NEAR YOU! I WILL NOT HESITATE TO SMOTHER YOU WITH A BLANKET!

**Claude Riegan:** And dirty your pampered hands with my scoundrel blood?! I doubt it

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:**.....

I

hate

you.

**Claude Riegan:** I know~

Good night, Lorenz! I’m headed to bed

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** You are the most detestable, disgusting, revolting human being I have ever met! Do not think you can simply get away with tainting my dorm!

I will.. I will take you down! I won't..

UGH, PUT ON AT LEAST SOME CLOTHES SO I CAN HAVE MY REVENGE!

**Claude Riegan:** Promise?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** WHAT EVER DO YOU MEAN BY PROMISE?

**Claude Riegan:** To take me down ;)

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I hate you both... so, so much

**Claude Riegan:** I love you both too!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** You're a disgusting little man.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Lysithea, at this point I doubt "Claude" is even human.

**Claude Riegan:** You got me

I’m a gnome

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** He must be some kind of gremlin.. determined to derail our very well-beings.

DO NOT MOCK ME, RIEGAN!

**Claude Riegan:** I don’t need to

You mock yourself with that face

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Excuse me?!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** That's a low blow and you know it.

**Claude Riegan:** You’re right, I’m sorry

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** WHATEVER DO YOU MEAN-

**Claude Riegan:** I can’t help that you were born that way.

_End of day, Friday_

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a transcription of the Golden Deer Groupchat in the Garreg Mach University discord server!
> 
> If you'd like to join and come participate in our antics, here's the link!  
> https://disboard.org/server/699085818278576168


	3. Old Married Couple Lectures Their Toddler Child pt. 1

_Saturday, August 22_

* * *

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Claude.

**Claude Riegan:** Yes?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester** : Do I really need to scream again to allude to the fact that your hideous salamander is on my bed again?

**Claude Riegan:** Yeah, I put him there

Remember?  
  


**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** YES, I'm aware.

Now what exactly were you doing under my bed?

**Claude Riegan:** Uh- hiding from you?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** It must've been a good hour- and as unhygienic as you are, I highly doubt you were collecting dust bunnies the whole time.

Do not enter my room without my permission again, I assure you I have more than enough connections to destroy your social standing.

**Claude Riegan:** Are you suggesting that I was up to no good, Lorenz?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Yes.

**Claude Riegan:** You'd be right about that

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Excuse me?

**Claude Riegan:** A threat huh? Alright, I'll refrain from entering your room

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** At the very least, "Omar" is far more trustworthy than you.

**Claude Riegan:** True. And he's a great keeper of secrets.

He hasn't shared a single one of mine yet

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** ....But he's a lizard.

**Claude Riegan:** So?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** What exactly does a son of Riegan have to hide that I do not know about?

**Claude Riegan:** Mm.. don't you have secrets? Things like first crushes or the time you stole a candy bar when no one was looking?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I did no such thing!

**Claude Riegan:** Heh, it was a joke, Lorenz

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** And if I had a romantic interest I wished to pursue, I would have by now. My background is certainly far cleaner than yours seemingly is.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** God, you two really are relentless.

**Claude Riegan:** What? We can't have a friendly chat?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Every single time I log on here for my study breaks, you’re at it again. Don’t you get tired of bickering constantly?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** This is a friendly chat?

**Claude Riegan:** Friendlier than most of them

**Lysithea Ordelia:** You’re.. not wrong.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** ... Regrettably so.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** If you two don’t get your act together, the Golden Deer are going to seem laughable in comparison to the other houses. I’ve tried asking, and there’s no possible way to switch SLC’s unless you lodge a formal complaint. So— I have no choice but to continue here.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Ugh.

How am I supposed to get along with someone like him?

He is absolutely detestable, Lysithea.

**Claude Riegan:** Ouch

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Haven’t you considered that you might be as well?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** There is no need to consider something that I know to be untrue.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Others would not attest to that.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Then what exactly are you suggesting for us to become more "friendly"?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I don’t know— shut the fuck up in each other’s presence, perhaps?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Unfortunately, that is impossible.

**Claude Riegan:** Not as long as he feels the need to lecture me.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** And that is something I cannot simply not do.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Guess that means we’re back at square one. Great.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** He is supposed to be our leader, I will not take orders from someone such as him.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Honestly, Lorenz, do you think you’d be a better leader?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** It is by far the most shameful thing to be bossed around by Claude of all people.

Of course! Is that even a question?

**Claude Riegan:** Sheesh..

**Lysithea Ordelia:** He’s not the most serious or tolerable, but the GMU staff must’ve had a reason to put him in such a well-regarded position.

A school as acclaimed as ours wouldn’t be so hasty with their decisions.

**Claude Riegan:** I'm more than qualified, but certain individuals don't like letting me do my job even while I am doing it.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Someone of his nature - lackadaisical, careless, irresponsible even - has no place in this institute. This school prides itself on honour, integrity and diligence and suffice it to say that Claude does not fit that image.

Whoever made that decision was severely misguided, and I am not afraid to say so.

**Claude Riegan:** You being afraid to speak your mind was never an issue.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Oh really? From what Lysithea is suggesting I am being far too honest with you.

Would you prefer me to sugarcoat such statements?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** That’s not what I’m suggesting at all. I’m suggesting you might be careless with your impressions of others. How long have you even known him?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** "Oh Claude! You're such a great and noble leader! Why, I'd follow you always but please allow me to advise you and bask in such greatness!"

Is that any better, Riegan?

**Claude Riegan:** Hearing you say that makes me deeply uncomfortable! Bring back the old Lorenz!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I have heard of him ever since he was pronounced the legitimate Riegan heir. Such a family has massive influence, after all. From the minute I've heard a single word fly out of such an arrogant mouth, I knew he was ill-fitted of the name.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** You know, Lorenz, I hated you as well the very first time you spoke to me. You seemed so.. arrogant, incredibly full of yourself. Not to mention you spoke incessantly about politics and business, a topic of which I despise.

However.

Eventually, it did come to my attention that you’re... somewhat.. okay. You’re empathetic, caring, even if it doesn’t seem so at first. I disregarded the majority of my first impression.

How would you feel if I clung to that impression of you no matter what transpired? It was a rather hasty opinion, after all.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** As complimented as your words make me feel, the situation is much different with Claude. I've seen no such redeemable qualities- nor any sort of positive impression.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** That’s because you’re utterly stuck on that first impression of him. You view absolutely everything he does with the single-minded goal to criticize.

Obviously you haven’t seen positive qualities. You haven’t looked for any of them. At all.

**Claude Riegan:** Lys- you don't have to do this.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Someone has to.

**Claude Riegan:** Very well..

**Lorenz H. Gloucester** : Fine, I shall search the very corners of my brain for Riegan's positive qualities as long as you take your vitamins.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** _What—_ that is a completely irrelevant discussion!

**Claude Riegan:** Thank you, Lys.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Yeah, yeah— just remember to spare me some candy the next time you go out to buy some.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I cannot think of anything at the moment.

**Claude Riegan:** That’s not surprising

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Maybe next time you will.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I highly doubt that Claude will find a way to make himself even the slightest bit tolerable.

Perhaps a certain someone working towards a healthy and balanced diet would change my mind.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Speaking of which— for your information, Claude is almost half as annoying when it comes to my health as you are.

**Claude Riegan:** You are not using me to manipulate her into better eating habits.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Not that I appreciate EITHER of you butting your heads into my business.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** That is because you're a member of the infamous "Golden Deer".

**Claude Riegan:** If I hadn't started finding you passed out places, that wouldn't be a problem

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Don’t bring that up here!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Wait..

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** It’s perfectly normal, okay?! I just have.. low blood pressure.

**Claude Riegan:** As I told you the other night Lorenz, she studies far too much.

She spends most of her days and nights doing so without taking breaks, and then passes out when she is physically unable to stop it.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I highly doubt losing consciousness is something that should be "normal" for anyone.

Do I have to buy you melatonin tablets too?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** No!

**Claude Riegan:** I've got it handled.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I have my own medicine, so I don’t need any more pills from you.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** You need to start taking care of yourself!

**Claude Riegan:** I make sure she gets to sleep

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Ugh. You’re terribly persistent with that.

**Claude Riegan:** Start sleeping and I won't have to~

**Lysithea Ordelia:** My studies come first!

**Claude Riegan:** Your health ought to come first

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Maybe for you, but not for me. I have my own priorities.

**Claude Riegan:** What good are your studies if they kill you?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** For my future; I have my own goals to attain.

**Claude Riegan:** Keep pushing yourself this hard and one day you won't wake up.

You won't reach your goals…

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** As much as it disgusts me to admit it, Claude has a point.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** You.. you shouldn’t speak like that, okay?! Believe it or not, you and Lorenz don’t know what’s best for everyone!

**Claude Riegan:** I think it says something that we both agree on it.

And we wouldn't be the only ones.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** You hardly know me or my history, and you have NO PLACE to be so forthcoming about my health.

**Claude Riegan:** Are you a human, Lys?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I study because I have to. That’s the end of the discussion. I’ve already told you both I despise this topic.

**Claude Riegan:** A real living, breathing, speaking, thinking, human?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Yes— and I know humans need to rest, but I don’t have time for that!

**Claude Riegan:** In that case, I don't need to know you or your history. We all have the same human weaknesses and you need to acknowledge them before they get the best of you.

You consistently ignore your limits and if you keep it up- you'll end up in the hospital for lengthy periods... and I bet that will hurt your studies far more than a little extra sleep.  
  


**Lysithea Ordelia:** People can study in hospitals too, you know. Not that you would realize.

No matter what happens to me.. at the end of the day, it shouldn’t matter to you or any of the Golden Deer. It’s none of your concern.

Just drop it, okay?

**Claude Riegan:** You're right, but the nurses will regulate your health and if you pull your stunts there- they have the power to put a stop to it.

It-

Lysithea..

It does matter. You matter to us.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** It is certainly hard to forget someone such as yourself- to say that you shouldn't matter..

**Lysithea Ordelia:** One day, we’re all going to graduate and move on to what’s left of our lives. You may say that now; but in a few years, you’ll forget all about some silly classmates in university. That’s just how it is.

**Claude Riegan:** It doesn't have to be that way.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I.. I guess not. But for everyone’s sake, I should just concentrate on my studies.

I shouldn’t have bothered getting attached to my dorm-mates, it’s just a distraction at the end of the day.

**Claude Riegan:** That's your decision, but I will continue looking out for you regardless..

**Lysithea Ordelia:** There’s no need.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester** : Excuse me? Are we just merely a "distraction" to you? Is that really how you want to see us?

**Lysithea Ordelia** : That’s how it is. I can’t afford to waste my time on.. anything. Even if that means sleep, meals, or socialization— and I don’t care if you two disapprove. Like I said, I don’t have the time to mess around. I have things I need to do as soon as humanly possible.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Then how would you feel if I called you a "distraction" towards my eventual inheritance of my father's company and disregarded your comments you shared with me only moments before?

Do you truly want to push the people who care about you away.. merely for the reason that they want to see you live healthily?

**Claude Riegan:** Lorenz.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Do you truly want us to disregard you as a human person?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I care deeply for my friends.. but I’m acting this way to save hurt feelings for you two as much as I am for myself. You don’t realize that now, but sooner or later you will.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Then a life of solitude is something you should not strive for- be willing to trust in Claude and I to hold our own, alongside not to bring you harm.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I’m not comfortable speaking on this topic any longer— I’ll be taking my leave now, I have incredibly important studying to finish. Goodnight.

**Claude Riegan:** Goodnight, Lys…

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Goodnight, please consider getting a proper amount of sleep at the very least.

**Claude Riegan:** I don't think now is the time to be saying things like that, Lorenz.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Then what should I be saying, Claude?

**Claude Riegan:** Drop it, like she wants. You don't know how to let things go.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Maybe you're right, no I don't know how to let things go- but at the same time I should still bring attention to the fact that our point still stands.

**Claude Riegan:** That's- very Lorenz of you.

Driving the same point repeatedly won't make it stick.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Is "Lorenz" now an adjective in your vocabulary?

**Claude Riegan:** I guess so.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** From experience, it is certainly something that has proven most effective.

I don't have any interest in sharing my perspectives with you, Claude.

**Claude Riegan:** Maybe in some circumstances, but everyone is a unique case and lecturing her is the worst way to handle it.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** What else am I supposed to do other than the one thing I know to do effectively? If I am to experiment, then it may completely flip sideways.

**Claude Riegan:** Maybe, but she hates being treated like a child if you haven't already picked up on that fact...

And who receives lectures most?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I don't see her as a helpless child, Claude. In fact, she is the one person that very well may be the only person I shall accept insight from.

She has proven helpful, efficient and beyond trustworthy. Suffice to say, everything you have not.

**Claude Riegan:** Maybe so, but she doesn't recognize that yet.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Is me caring about her "treating her like a child" to you, Riegan?

**Claude Riegan:** Of course not, but it is to her.

She values her independence.. so- you have to demonstrate you care without infringing on that.. and your words are far more likely to find footing.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I simply value her ambitions to live up to the best she can be- it is utmost respectable.

Should I stand idly by without commenting nor interfering with such self-destructive habits?

**Claude Riegan:** No, but you don't want her to hate you so much that she shuts you out entirely either.. so prove how much you respect her first.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** If she hates me for doing what I feel is right, then so be it.

And like she had asked us much earlier, I am now finding bickering with you quite bothersome. If you'll excuse me, I'll also retire for the night.

**Claude Riegan:** Right.. good night Lorenz.

_End of day, Saturday_

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a transcription of the Golden Deer Groupchat in the Garreg Mach University discord server!
> 
> If you'd like to join and come participate in our antics, here's the link!  
> https://disboard.org/server/699085818278576168


	4. Get Along Shirt Implied

_ Sunday, August 23rd _

* * *

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Claude. Lorenz.

**Claude Riegan:** What’s up, Teach?

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** I think I have a way to fix this childish feud between you two.

**Claude Riegan:** Er- I’m scared to ask what that is.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** I'm taking the Philosophy and Ethics class on a trip to see a play about morality and such, and I am extending the invite to Lorenz.

Who knows, maybe seeing a piece of art about how short and fruitless life is will teach you both to nut up and get along.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** It almost sounds like the perfect night out, if not for Claude accompanying me.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** You'll be seated right next to him.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** However, as a noble, I cannot resist the allure of art and performance.

**Claude Riegan:** Sadly I think I’m coming down with a flu that day

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** You'll be there, Riegan.

For me.

Dear ol' Teach.

**Claude Riegan:** Theoretically- what happens if I’m not there, Teacher Man?

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Well, we will be having graded papers on the themes of said play and what theatre and immersion can teach us about reality.

So, you'll probably fail.

Bummer…

**Claude Riegan:** Ugh... alright.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Great.

It may be a good bonding experience.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** However I am apart of your classes, so I presume I can reject said invitation?

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Or at least a slap to the face to grow up.

You can't.

Shame…

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Ugh.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Don't ugh me.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Wait until my father hears about this type of behavior within the faculty.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** I'm shaking.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Regardless, I see no other choice if I wish to appreciate the arts.

**Claude Riegan:** It’s not like we have to be near each other.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** You do.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** We are sitting RIGHT NEXT to each other, Claude!

It is no different than what couples do when they attend the opera!

**Claude Riegan:** Uh-

Teach, that seems improper

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I will not be getting anywhere close to you, especially one that requires me to be close to your side.

Finally! You learn the noble language.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** It is just the seats I bought.

**Claude Riegan:** So let me swap with someone else

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** No <3

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Claude, I am more than willing to buy you a seat located far away from mine.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Sold out, sorry.

A shame, really.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** You…

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Me?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Fine, but I shall be wearing my gloves.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:**

I'm not asking you to hold his hand.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** You do not understand, professor. He takes every opportunity to invade my personal space alongside his overweight lizard.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** I'll be sitting right next to him.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Can you not sit in between us?

Your presence is far more acceptable.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Defeats the purpose.

**Claude Riegan:** Omar is not overweight!

He’s actually on the thin side…

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** What kind of lizard is Omar?

**Claude Riegan:** Bearded dragon

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Do you have a picture?

**Claude Riegan:**

He looks strange though since- he’s albino.

<insert.photo>

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** That is very interesting.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** The invader.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Oh, he's gorgeous.

**Claude Riegan:** Thank you!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** At the very least you could have tried to make him look presentable. I have done some research and have discovered that such a term "lizard fashion" exists.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** If I were Omar, I would file a formal lawsuit against Claude.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Maybe he wants to be free of clothing.

Leave Omar alone.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** At the very least when he is in MY quarters he should be elegantly dressed.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** No?

He's an animal.

Get over yourself.

**Claude Riegan:** You’re free to dress him

He spends a lot of time in your room

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Wonderful, then I shall get to work on a new wardrobe right away.

**Claude Riegan:** Hey Lorenz, have you taken a liking to him?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** What?! Of course not!

I am putting forth the effort of making him less unsightly.

But between you and him, he is the far better company.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Harsh.

**Claude Riegan:** I can’t blame you for feeling that way. He makes for excellent company.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** If you refuse to keep him confined to your room, then I have no other choice than to adapt, do I not?

**Claude Riegan:** I suppose so

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Then I shall make this predicament as tolerable as possible.

**Claude Riegan:** Only a matter of time before you adore Omar

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Excuse me?

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** I like Omar.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Just because Omar is more manageable than you are, does not mean he has adoration.

**Claude Riegan:** Not yet

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Is that a challenge?

**Claude Riegan:** No, I think it’s an inevitability

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Hmph.

Do not think you have me all figured out, Claude.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** That's enough.

**Claude Riegan:** Well- you are rather predictable~

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I beg your pardon?!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Ahah! I have finished a complete line for Omar- alongside gifting him a little travel suitcase to take it all back to you.

Now he looks like the image of pure elegance.

It was a struggle getting the exact measurements and having him model such outfits without touching him, regardless the fruits of my labour have been rewarded.

**Claude Riegan:** But that was-

Less than a day

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** And are you saying I should have stalled with such work?

**Claude Riegan:** No I’m saying- it’s dizzying how efficient you are.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Now what was that about me being "predictable"? I have more talents than being a 'rich pretty face'.

For a subject change, have you been able to get a hold of Lysithea?

**Claude Riegan:** ...yes.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** ... What did you two discuss?

**Claude Riegan:** Nothing of importance. She forgot her bag

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** That's all?!

**Claude Riegan:** Well- yeah.

You think I should have been nagging her or something?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Must you bring up that again?

**Claude Riegan:** Ah- right. Sorry.

* * *

_ End of Sunday _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a transcription of the Golden Deer Groupchat in the Garreg Mach University discord server!
> 
> If you'd like to join and come participate in our antics, here's the link!  
> https://disboard.org/server/699085818278576168


	5. Omar COME HOME

_ Wednesday, August 26th _

* * *

**Claude Riegan:** Has anyone seen Omar?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Your pet?

**Claude Riegan:** Who else?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Didn’t we have an entire agreement that you’d cut back on his wandering?

**Claude Riegan:** Well-- yes-- but--

He escaped sometime during the night and I can’t find him anywhere.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Have you checked Lorenz’s room?

**Claude Riegan:** That was the first place I looked

**Lysithea Ordelia:** There’s no chance Omar had wandered into the female dorms.. correct? I’m in the library right now, I can’t check.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** You entered my room without permission?

Ugh, I'll help with the search while you leave Lysithea to her studying.

**Claude Riegan:** I didn’t enter without permission!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I'm positive Claude that while that may not be considered "trespassing" in your head, it is trespassing in mine.

Do you have any ideas on where else Omar likes to wander to?

**Claude Riegan:** I poked my head in to look on the bed and didn’t see him!

I did not enter.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Your head passed the CLEAR bedroom border.

**Claude Riegan:** No.. usually your room or our common room.

Oh my god...

I wasn’t aware that counted as breaking the rules.

But I am sorry.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I wouldn't worry about rules being broken, in fact, I thought you paid them little mind.

Our professor certainly does not follow the status quo much like Seteth and to some degrees Jeritza, as long as we do not encounter those two this incident won't reach their ears.

I'll hold my tongue, just this once.

But do not think this kindness is completely free, Riegan.

Lysithea, you said you did not see Omar in the library?

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** What about your professor.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I doubt he could’ve gone as far as the library.

But no, I haven’t.

Oh— hello, Professor!

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Hello, Lysithea.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Is there.. any chance you’ve seen Omar?

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** No, but I can keep an eye out.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I agree, Lysithea. Though given he escaped during the night, he's had a fair bit of time to wander..

I highly doubt he would've made it outside given the temperature.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** I'm assuming you don't want Seteth knowing?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Definitely. Seteth is not quite as generous as I am.

Are you planning on distracting him, professor?

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** No, but I can keep this between us.

I'll let you know if I see Omar.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Thank you, I'm sure it'll comfort Claude knowing that we have you on our search party.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I’m just curious as to how his lizard manages to keep escaping! It’s not like he can phase through walls.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** That's their most prominent trait, actually.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Most definitely a case of Claude's scheming.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Nope, they just move through walls.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** They... what?!

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Yep.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** That's quite an ability, almost similar to the characteristics of a ghost.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Or a lizard?

Because they can just do that.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I was merely making a comparison, professor.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** No comparison needed.

Lizards.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Gh— That’s an awful comparison, Lorenz! He’s.. a perfectly healthy, living reptile. Nothing like a ghost, at all.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Only super healthy reptiles can pass through walls.

Fact.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** He certainly has a ghostly appearance, with those ivory colours. Quite beautiful, really.

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** He is rather stunning.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** You two should quit mooning over that lizard and continue scouring the campus instead!

He shouldn’t be allowed to free roam! It could be dangerous— for the pet, I mean.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I believe we established that the only place he could be is somewhere within the dorms.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** ...

There’s no way Marianne let him into the girl’s common room, right? Right?!?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I highly doubt Marianne would have held onto Omar for this long, knowing Claude would get worried.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Ugh. You’re right.

Hold on, I’m going to pack up my things— I’ll head back to the dorms.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** There is little need, but I shall not object if it gives you the time to take a breath from your studies.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I’ll have to continue my work once we find Claude’s pet. For now, let’s just concentrate on Omar. I’d rather we find him sooner than later

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** ... I doubt Omar would cause you any real harm.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** That is not what I said!

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** He is a small lizard.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Indeed.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Would you two quit that? Nobody in their right mind would be frightened of a... spectral reptile.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Just making sure you are comfortable.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Uh huh.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Has anyone been able to locate Omar?

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Not yet

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** ... Actually for that matter, has anyone been able to locate Claude?

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Not yet.

**Claude Riegan:** Oh- I.. found him.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Where was he?

**Prof. Byleth Eisner:** Is he safe?

**Claude Riegan:** Ah- I found him causing trouble in the cafeteria.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** The cafeteria?!

**Claude Riegan:** Yep! Funny place to find him, right?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** “Funny” is one way to put it.

**Claude Riegan:** Not so, but.. anyways.. thank you all for your help.

I’ll buy everyone lunch at some point as thanks!

And by everyone I mean.. Teach, Lysithea, and may- Lorenz.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I suppose that should suffice.. but still. If you don’t keep a closer eye on Omar, the faculty will intervene. I doubt Professor Nabatea is fond of animals roaming the campus.

**Claude Riegan:** As long as Omar doesn’t cause problems, I’ll be okay. Most people adore him, including the professors when I take him to class.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** You’ve taken him to class!?

**Claude Riegan:** Yep! I’m surprised you haven’t seen me with him in one

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I try not to divert my attention to anything except the lecture at hand during class— especially when you arrive, as a renowned distraction.

Anyways— whether or not the vast majority enjoy his presence, you should still be wary. Not everyone is going to be amicable towards your reptile if he continues to get loose, I’m sure

**Claude Riegan:** I- know. I’m working on a method to keep him from escaping

**Lysithea Ordelia:** And what would that method be?

**Claude Riegan:** I won’t reveal that until it works.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Of course you won’t.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Would we expect anything different from our "leader"?

And no offense Claude but I highly doubt you'll be able to afford a lunch for me, so that won't be necessary.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** What kind of meals do you even eat, Lorenz?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Only ones whose fumes do not cause breakouts on my skin.

A healthy body is key to keeping up with beautiful looks.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Forget I asked.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Perhaps I should take you with me whenever I go to a spa. All that stress must be causing you to age rapidly..

**Lysithea Ordelia:** As kind as that offer is, I think I’d rather pass.

I don’t mind looking older, if that’s what you’re implying. I’d prefer to look as mature as I can.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** You must treat yourself, Lysithea! Rejuvenate your beauty through the luxury of mud baths and saunas!

Rose water bathwater certainly sounds pleasurable as well.. Consider it done! I shall schedule for the both of us.

Tell me, when do you have an afternoon available?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Lorenz! That’s the complete opposite of what I told you. Even if I did want to go, I’d be far too busy to spare an afternoon for such frivolous activities.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Then it looks like it is Omar and I again.. spending our lonely afternoons together..

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I don’t need any “rejuvenating mud baths”, just full marks and maybe some icecream...

Why don’t you invite Claude instead? He seems like he’d enjoy doing something utterly silly like a spa trip.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I go there to unwind and not get any more wrinkles, Claude coming along would cause the opposite effect.

Regardless, there is no way even Claude would agree to such a notion.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** He takes his lizard to class for fun. Who knows what the hell he’d agree to?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Omar is a rather good companion.

I must confess that it's become a habit of mine to bring him to the mall.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** You WHAT?!

Both of you are insane. It’s official.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** At first it was a complete accident, he was napping in my Gucci travel bag.

By the time I realized he had snuck along with me to do my shopping, I already was in a check-out.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Is he the communal Golden Deer pet now or something?!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I must admit that lil loafers look rather splendid on him.

It is hard though, as I refuse to even touch him.

However his input is critical when it comes to tea sets.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** How do you gain input from a creature who cannot speak?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Omar by far has the loudest voice out of all the Golden Deer.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** That’s rich, considering how loud you screamed when you found a centipede in the hallway.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Centipedes are disgusting, any normal person would have had the exact same reaction.

**Claude Riegan:** I’m offended you would compare the gorgeous Omar to an insect!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I must happen to agree with Claude on that fact.

Omar and I, his fashion designer, am offended.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** You’re his fashion designer now?!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** That is one of the hobbies I indulge in and how me and Omar became so close.

**Claude Riegan:** Omar seems to enjoy it so I can’t complain.

And I get all sorts of attention for his cute outfits!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Why thank yo- YOU GET "ALL SORTS OF ATTENTION"?

What? From women?

**Claude Riegan:** Women, men, non binary pals~

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** That is absolutely absurd.

How can someone such as yourself earn a pantheon of lovers?

**Claude Riegan:** I actually have charm~

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Gross.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Even Lysithea agrees with me!

**Claude Riegan:** She thinks you’re gross too~

Are you gonna really take her opinion?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** That reminds me.

Lorenz wanted to invite you to a spa trip, Claude.

**Claude Riegan:** He does?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Yep.

**Claude Riegan:** I have my doubts.

But.. I would go with him.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Lorenz, you can schedule that trip now.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I will NOT after what he had JUST DISCUSSED.

Hmph. Looks like I'll just schedule for Omar and I.

I should specify that I never "wanted" to invite him, merely to prove a point that he would turn that invitation down even if I had asked.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** He clearly didn’t turn down the invitation.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Either way I did not give him said invitation.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I’m extending the invitation for me to him, since I’d loathe to go with you myself.

Didn’t Professor Eisner say that you two should have more bonding experiences? I agree with him

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Him invading into my personal self-care is not a quote on quote "bonding experience" but more of a date in Hell.

I can guarantee that there is no such circumstance that would lead me into going on a social outing with Claude.

**Claude Riegan:** That settles that.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Wasn’t there a field trip outing that involves you two?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** ...

Ugh.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Might as well get used to it now.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Whatever you and the professor are planning it is simply never going to come into fruition- we are simply far too different to ever get along, nor willingly invite each other into one's company.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I’m not interested in getting directly involved— I don’t have the time for that. However, I am advising you two to start getting used to each other now. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Professor forced you to sit side by side for every class.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Fine.

Claude, what exactly do you like to do whenever you aren't up to something?

**Claude Riegan:** Archery, taking Omar for walks, exploring...

To name a few

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** That all sounds rather tiring.

What exactly is there to explore when all is revealed to you on a map?

**Claude Riegan:** Well what do you do?

The map only shows things that have already been discovered.. and areas that are “public”

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I enjoy perfectly brewed tea, alongside literature and fashion sketches- as long as I feel particularly inspired.

Poetry is certainly a hobby I have clung to since I read my first set of poems as a child.

**Claude Riegan:** Poetry huh? I enjoy poetry.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Haha, Claude. I am bursting with euphoria.

You must seek to mock me in some way for such pursuits?

**Claude Riegan:** I- am not mocking you. I enjoy listening to poems and sometimes I even create my own on the fly.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** ... You are certainly full of surprises.

**Claude Riegan:** Do you write your own?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I do not plan on sharing them with you.

**Claude Riegan:** That wasn’t what I asked but it does answer my question…

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Knowing your way with words, I expect them to reflect your standard vocabulary.

However, admittedly, you have piqued my curiosity.

**Claude Riegan:** If you won’t share then you can’t expect me to~

But at the very least.. I am curious which poets you favour.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** If you certainly must know, I shall say John Keats, T.S. Eliot, certainly one that has always given me inspiration too is Sappho.

I am quite the fan of romanticism, it is a rather moving subject.

I must admit that my poetry selection was.. limited, as a child.

**Claude Riegan:** I’m not sure what I was expecting but certainly not that..

“Yes, I will be thy priest, and build a fane

In some untrodden region of my mind,

Where branched thoughts, new grown with pleasant pain,

Instead of pines shall murmur on the wind...”

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** "Far, far around shall those dark-cluster'd trees..

Fledge the wild-ridged mountains steep by steep.

And there by zephyrs, streams, and birds, and bees,

The moss-lain Dryads shall be lull'd to sleep."

**Claude Riegan:** I am especially fond of the nature imagery. But I wonder.. how would you interpret that one?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** The poem revolves around the myth of Psyche, one who attained immortality through love. In a sense, these descriptions follow an imaginary world with its ideals of love: mythical and unattainable, however one that can be achieved through dream.

In an odd way.. Psyche represents how outerworldly love may come across being, how our idea of the perfect partner may exist in our heads, the "immortal" side of her.

**Claude Riegan:** That’s- very insightful... I’m impressed that you actually do use that brain for more than a superiority act.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** A "Superiority" act?

**Claude Riegan:** Well, yes. Unless you do actually believe you’re better than everyone else.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Oh, so after this conversation you believe my superiority all to be some kind of act?

**Claude Riegan:** Not exactly- but I don’t think discussing my views on you is beneficial right now..

I shouldn’t have said that.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** .. I admit that I have slightly misjudged you, Riegan.

But do not believe that this makes us friends- I am not that easy to persuade.

**Claude Riegan:** I know. I don’t foresee a future where you and I could be friends.. but you intrigue me nonetheless.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** At least we can mutually agree on that.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I’m continuously astounded by how you two manage to say what ultimately amounts to nothing in so many words.

**Claude Riegan:** Lys, whatever you’re trying to accomplish won’t work.

Lorenz is a unique and vibrant individual with beliefs so vastly different from mine that we are bound to butt heads.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** That aside, I’m pointing out how convoluted you two insist on making every interaction seem.

You managed to find some even ground with poetry, I suppose that’ll do for now.

**Claude Riegan:** Well we have a convoluted relationship. He follows me around and I torment him in exchange

And there’s an intrinsic web beyond it all

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I can see that.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I am not quite sure what you intend to get out of all of this, Lysithea.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Peace. And. Quiet.

**Claude Riegan:** You could mute us

I think she enjoys the drama

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I live across the hallway. I can’t mute you in real life when I hear the bickering through the walls.

**Claude Riegan:** Ah- sorry.

Kick the wall and we’ll be quiet

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** No, do not kick the wall.

What happens if she was to break it? That is vandalism, Claude!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I doubt that would occur.

Would you prefer I punch the wall?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** ABSOLUTELY NOT!

**Claude Riegan:** Have you seen her?

She can’t break the wall

**Lysithea Ordelia:** What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Ugh, you're right. If anything she would break her fist..

Lysithea, you need to be more careful.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I’m not some child! I won’t break any bones simply from hitting a wall.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** PLEASE DO NOT TEST THAT THEORY!

**Claude Riegan:** Are you sure?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** CLAUDE!

**Claude Riegan:** Your bones seem like they’d be fairly brittle

Yes Lorenz?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I thought I came to the dorms to ESCAPE overprotective parents! And then I had the _privilege_ of meeting these two idiots…

**Claude Riegan:** Awh, she has a pet name for us

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** DO NOT ENCOURAGE HER!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I’m going to be hitting something other than a wall if you keep trying to baby me.

**Claude Riegan:** Maybe when you look bigger than a baby we will stop~

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I— Look at how much taller Raphael and Lorenz are than you! You clearly have no room to speak.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** She has a point.

**Claude Riegan:** Hey..!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** When are you going to grow, Claude?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Ouch.

**Claude Riegan:** I am the perfect height already

I don’t need to grow

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** That is heavily debatable.

**Claude Riegan:** No it is not!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Yes, it is.

Clearly, you have a bias against short girls; but not yourself.

**Claude Riegan:** Moving on! Lorenz, Omar loves the hat you gave him today.

He won’t let me remove it.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** You dare to try to remove his beloved hat?!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** ....And why would a lizard need a hat?

**Claude Riegan:** We are going to bed and I didn’t want him to lose it.

Why are you questioning his fashion choices?

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Because he’s an animal!

**Claude Riegan:** I think you’re jealous that he dresses better than you.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Now this is getting out of hand.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I dress in a purposely mature fashion, thank you very much.

**Claude Riegan:** Your style is boring.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** At least she does not wear khakis.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** ^^

**Claude Riegan:** That was my last pair of clean pants

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Ew— Claude, why are you like this?!

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I personally believe that you two should settle for a stalemate.

**Claude Riegan:** Oh fine. I won’t argue with the fashion guru

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Hmph.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** Why thank you!

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I doubt that was a compliment.

**Claude Riegan:** Shhh

Don’t ruin the moment

**Lysithea Ordelia:** Fine.

**Claude Riegan:** Good girl~

**Lysithea Ordelia:** ...I’ve never hated being praised so much before.

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I.

Claude.

Claude.

**Claude Riegan:** Whaaat?

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO LYSITHEA.

**Claude Riegan:** Nothing

This is typing

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** DON'T GET SMART WITH ME, RIEGAN!

You already dance around the dorm wearing less than socially acceptable clothing! Now you tell her to be silent and respond with "good girl"?

**Claude Riegan:** Yes and?

It irritated her

And that was my objective

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I cannot even begin to fathom what goes on in your head.

**Claude Riegan:** Nor will you ever~

**Lorenz H. Gloucester:** I highly doubt that even if I was able to peer into your mind I would not wish to.

**Lysithea Ordelia:** I second that, Lorenz.

* * *

_ End Wednesday _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nabatea = Flayn and Seteth's last names
> 
> These interactions are based off our FE3H modern AU discord server. Come join us! We're Garreg Mach University on disboard (links are provided on the bottom of earlier chapters)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a transcription of the Golden Deer Groupchat in the Garreg Mach University discord server!
> 
> If you'd like to join and come participate in our antics, here's the link!  
> https://disboard.org/server/699085818278576168


End file.
